Thursday, January 2, 2014

New Lines in the Sand

There are always fireworks

It's funny how although it's just another day, the fact that another year has ticked over holds so much significance and promise.  No matter how sceptical or sullen we have become, there is either that feeling of a new opportunity to make good, or alternatively a new opportunity for impending doom... maybe a little of both.

For myself the year passing has fulfilled its purpose; many purposes in fact.  The destruction that took place in my life almost five years ago now continued to slowly fade into the background as the spiritual determination and vision that I had for myself and my little family baby steps itself to fruition, like a forest coming back from wildfire, the green foliage is ever more contrasting against the charcoaled blackness.  And with it, my belief in the possibilities of life and the universal way grows in strength and intent.  

For me this life is about experience and learning through that, there is listening and witnessing to what others have experienced and learnt... this year has been filled with those moments too.  And to all those people who have been part of that, I thank you, my encounters with you have had value, even the negative ones.  Without knowing it, you all are contributing to a universal encyclopaedia where nothing ever goes to waste.

In this New Year I already see the tasks spreading out before me, and I will do the work whether I want to or not...  Life has a way of pushing us where we need to go, as I get older, I'm just learning to stop resisting... its easier that way.

One amazing but simple thing that I realised this year past is that in general we ignore our own needs.  Let me be very clear, not 'wants', 'needs'.  There is a huge difference between the two, but in ourselves quite often we are not cognisant of that.  The main reason for that is social engineering, true capitalist form to make us purchase stuff to intensify and multiply our wants and ignore our needs.  In fact, most of us don't even know what we need.  We never take the time, create the space to listen to ourselves and investigate what we really need.  Therefore we feel this constant ache, constant fever and underlying un-fulfillment that we try and solve daily, without ever taking the time to peel back the layers and find out what that need or many needs 'actually' is.

So maybe thats it?  Maybe we start this year by giving ourselves some time, and some space to get in touch with ourselves whether it be five minutes in our garden alone, or fifteen minutes on the beach while our partner takes the kids to get ice cream, to just listen to ourselves and to not judge, not complain... just to be with ourselves and to stop treading water for just a moment, 'cos if we only stop, we can stand strong on the sand.... at least until the next wave comes anyway.

Love x

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Everything Good In Its Time

As I welcome the hallmark of another year passing I can confess that yes I too fall victim to the self judgement, departmentalisation, and incessant expectations of the new year. Incessant self judgement as I take mental note of the expectations of yesteryear that have STILL not had their boxes ticked.

This is where I stop for a minute and give my self a swift mental slap (only because really doing it would hurt... And look weird) and tell myself to wake up to myself....( are u getting this).

Life in itself is really hard, there are constant challenges, discomforts, dreams and nightmares that fill our days without our conscious efforts to put them there. My life in reality will happen whether I try or not, whether I set huge expectations out there to be met or missed or not. I'm not saying that having dreams or goals is not a mildly worthwhile activity... But I guess what I am saying is to ease up on yourself. Be kind to yourself. If you want to be smaller, or quit smoking, or finish that degree, I'm sure you will get there, but any amount of self loathing, judgement or self degradation is surely not going to help you on your way... In fact it probably went a long way to creating the challenge you're facing in the first place.

On the passing of this New Year's Eve 2013, I didn't get all caught up in the usual fanfare of the event (although that can be SO fun too), I did just take a moment to be still and see the good things around me. My best friends eyes were glowing as he lit the kids sparklers and they squealed in mixed delight and fear as they held the burning excitement in their hands. I watched our kids derive an extreme of joy from every moment, bolting out the front and up the hill as soon as they heard the pop from any firework, afraid they would miss a spark and dancing in the darkened garage adorned from head to toe in glow sticks and bracelets.

I starred up into the starry sky from my friends hammock, champagne and strawberries in hand, cheesecake, eaton mess and bannoffee pie in the bowl in my lap with the laughter of my friends and our children melding into my perfect moment and I just let myself be.

So that is my prayer and blessing for you this New Year and everyday that follows it...
May you have the courage and the joy of just being,
may you experience the peace and the acceptance that flows from that. May your journey be as it should,
and more importantly may your eyes light up when are in the presence of those you love,
and them you.

My dreams needs and wants seem endless as I'm sure yours do too, but I never loose sight of the fact that all the physical and worldly accomplishments in this universe mean nothing if I'm not ok. So I take care of me first... And in taking care of me I'm taking care of those around me. Kind of like lighting sparklers, I can't light anyone else's if I don't light my own first (well unless I have a lighter?..... Well u know what I mean!) So this year I'm not resolving I'm just doing. Doing what is in this moment, because its all I can do, and all I'm meant to be doing. I have pretty clear ideas about the things I'd like to do in my life... But the things that are topping my list and I think have been for a long time now is creating beautiful things that inspire, spending quality time with my fellow man, investing in my friends and worthy family, laughing till it hurts and loving without a safety net.

Focussing on what is topping my priority list and what brings me joy brings balance to my life and everything comes into sharper focus. The bad things fade as just learning moment that helped define me. So try it! Don't resolve just do it now, have the thought about what tops your priority list so when your judgementalist comes in to check off that list for 2013, you tell her/him to take a back seat as the front one's already taken.

Love x

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Location:My bedroom.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Romance of Adolescent Bliss

It's so funny to watch young couples now.

They are so unaware of what a beautiful and simple space they are in.

Whether it's simply lust, simply infatuation, or a simple love accented by both the before, they are unaware of how beautiful and adventurous that moment in life is.

The moment when touching fingers causes a lightning strike of electricity to flash through your awakening body.  The moment you kiss in a shy but eager fashion, your tongues touching for the first time in an unsure but fire filled movement.  And once the rhythm is set you become satisfied or too frightened to go further so you kiss for hours!

The moment your dream girl sits on your lap and you're unable to contain your physical excitement; she feels it too but doesn't quite know how to take it from there.

Those moments filled with fear, pain, lust, love, heat and fire, uncertainty, desperation and delight.  If we only knew at the time just to sit in those moments and to embrace them with abandon (although I'm sure some of us included). That in a few short years our lives would be increasingly less simple, that money, children and 'knowing better' would destroy or at least taint our adolescent pursuit of pleasure and love.

Not that we don't need it anymore, we just won't give ourselves the permission to occasionally act with such reckless abandon.  Maybe 'cos our brains have taken the whole consequences thing and run with it.  (Party poopers).

I like to think that we have something to learn from these young lovers.  How much fun would it be to go out and pash your husband disrespectfully in a public place (ensuring that you get dirty looks from grandmas!) or hold hands and make stupid eyes at each other in the supermarket and make people think "why don't they just get a room".

Our love(s) should never stop being an adventure, and if it has... be a hero and change it!

Single?  Pashing some random in the nightclub mightn't be the classiest move, but gosh it is naughty and fun - makes you feel like your alive and nasty!

So don't forget to occasionally pay homage to the adolescent inside you, she/he is still there waiting for that fire to be lit, for that bit to be groped.... And just thank God...after all these years at least you know what to do with it now (I hope).

Friday, May 4, 2012

I'm Not that Evolved After All

Most days I feel pretty advanced and in touch with my inner self, I feel like I treat other people as I would treat myself and that honesty has found its home with me.  Egotistical??? Not at all, just honest with my strengths and weaknesses.  And most of all I feel like I'm a really good friend.  I don't claim to be a good friend to many, but those to whom I claim the title, I feel like I give them love and loyalty for real.

And then I prove myself wrong...

In a move unthinking in a place of selfishness and self satisfaction I unthinkingly abandon all my 'conscious action' and hold back information that could effect my 'friend' for the rest of their life.

I now continue on still sitting in a place of shock and disgust at my OWN behaviour.  And amazed at the way I just 'didn't' think.  Any excuse that my brain comes up with is just BS to me at one level, cos what I did is just not OK.  Not with the person I have hurt and even more so not with me.

Now here I am contending with a constant knot in my gut, with constant oscillating in my thought process "Oh my Gosh, how could I do that to someone"
"Well I can't be measured in entirety by my wrongs"
"Oh my Lord, how self obsessed are you?"
"Is this person ever going to forgive me?"
"Even if they do, how am I going to forgive myself?"

And then I have to deal with the fact that I have lost a good friend and I am entirely to blame...

As for forgiveness???

That is out of my control, I feel like I am worth forgiving, that I truly do....  What that looks like I do not know, but as in a movie that I can't remember...I'm trying to get back in the nook.

And I miss my friend everyday.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Power of Pissed Off

I had coffee with two of my friends at a local community cafe with excessive child friendly benefits simple fare and OK coffee.  One of my girls is a married teacher with two beautiful children and the other a happily separated freight forwarder with two children also.

With birthdays aplenty, naturally the conversation was flowing towards turning forty and the despair that seems to be so common in approaching such an age.  I shared my recent experience with a female family member whose fortieth I had recently attended and who had approach our cocktail table in her figure hugging black lace dress.  A dress that wouldn't look so good on a majority of women of any age, that alone on their fortieth birthday.

She sashayed toward our cocktail table where my Aunt, cousin and Uncle stood, where when she arrived her shoulders slumped forward, her head hung down and she raised her eyes while sipping her drink.  "I'm depressed"...
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes.  Awwwwww.  I think it's got more to do with I haven't achieved anything that I thought I would have by this age you know".

And that's what it comes down to doesn't it?  By having so many dreams visions and high expectations of ourself, we kind of set ourselves up for failure and disappointment if we haven't ticked all those boxes by age twenty, thirty or forty.  I think we always need to remind ourselves though, life is unpredictable, the boxes we are meant to tick, are written by ourselves.  So when you feel the looming anniversary of one of your decades of birth.... do your self a favour, grab that mental list look at it,  size it up and then imagine yourself an eraser, some white out and a lighter and take to it with a gusto that makes you feel alive.

Then write a new list that includes
  1. I shall say 'yes' and 'no' at my own discretion.
  2. If someone wants you to jump out of a plane....see #1
  3. If someone wants to marry you....see #1
  4. I shall create my 'own' life in a way that fulfils me spiritually, mentally and physically and honours my personal truth without reference to anyone else's opinion of 'who they thought I was'.
  5. And yes I shall wear this dress/skirt if I want to...I'm grown dammit!!
And then march forward with your head held high, as no ones life has been a walk in the park, there has been hardship and you are still standing, sitting or riding on a mobility scooter through your life.  You have earned every day, every moment and every sunrise and every muffin top.  

So every time that you feel pissed off at being whatever stage of life you are, use that, use it to change what you don't like about your life, source it as one of those brief moments of motivation and seize that power in your pissed off. (and if you don't their be another opportunity in twelve months time)

Monday, February 20, 2012

Honor in Identification

Just now a older lady (I mean only 50/60yrs) got on the bus. I watched her in passing noticing her neat but 'messed up' hair. It obviously had a relaxer some time ago, and not any time since as her nappy locks were peeking out from beneath her roughly shorn unstyle.

From the back I quickly identified her as some kind of African extraction, at which I felt instant kinship, or connection.

As she turned to walk to a seat her eyes locked on mine momentarily and she stretched out her hand, I stretched out mine and firmly shook it, as we both smiled then the lady walked to the rear of the bus and took a seat.

Two young caucasian men were sitting near by and one remarked "did you see that woman she just shook her hand....?"

I felt the pride swell in my chest, and sat back and observed how honored and special I feel to be part of the brotherhood and sisterhood. Their is a type of kinship that seems to envelope us all no matter on which continent we reside. Whether its a nod of the head, a private smile, a meeting of eyes, dap or a hand shake - there is the acknowledgement that I am connected to you my brother or sister.

I know there are a million other conversations that stem from this one comment, but for now I'm just going to leave it at this shared moment and how egotistically or not I'm SO happy that I am part of this tree and Black is part of my journey this time round.

Love x

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Oh Lord I'm Tired...

You know when you are so tired that all you want to do is take off your bra, fall into your bed and only wake up when your body is satisfied, but you have so much to do that you know you'll only regret it.

I am really tired.  Tired of walking.  Tired of doing it all by myself.  Tired of having no money.  Tired of public transport.  Tired of washing up... and the list continues.

Good lord, I've spent about four hours today either waiting for or on buses - what's the meaning in this...I'm still searching.

There are moments (as with everyones life) that I see really clearly,  I have these two beautiful girls who I am wholly responsible for, they have to come first with me.  Yet the drive to fulfil my own needs is still running strong in my spirit.

I am alone.  Not in spirit but in actuality.  And I start to wonder... what happened to all the friends that I had hanging out of my back pocket, no matter which outfit I decided to put on.  And then most of them just went away, as if they were nothing but a mirage.  I know all the answers here, but it is an interesting ponderance.

...I guess all will be revealed in due time - and in the meantime I will just TRUST.