You know when you are so tired that all you want to do is take off your bra, fall into your bed and only wake up when your body is satisfied, but you have so much to do that you know you'll only regret it.
I am really tired. Tired of walking. Tired of doing it all by myself. Tired of having no money. Tired of public transport. Tired of washing up... and the list continues.
Good lord, I've spent about four hours today either waiting for or on buses - what's the meaning in this...I'm still searching.
There are moments (as with everyones life) that I see really clearly, I have these two beautiful girls who I am wholly responsible for, they have to come first with me. Yet the drive to fulfil my own needs is still running strong in my spirit.
I am alone. Not in spirit but in actuality. And I start to wonder... what happened to all the friends that I had hanging out of my back pocket, no matter which outfit I decided to put on. And then most of them just went away, as if they were nothing but a mirage. I know all the answers here, but it is an interesting ponderance.
...I guess all will be revealed in due time - and in the meantime I will just TRUST.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Sisters From Another Mother
Family are a body of souls that we choose to gather around us, they are not as many choose to think, something that we were born into and cannot get away from. A fact that is demonstrated millions of times each year when people simply walk away from their 'family's' world.
The family that I choose to belong, is composed in part of many astounding, beyond beautiful and powerful women who, with all there bumbling through life, manage to sit in the centre of their good with the nobility and wisdom of a Queen.
We come from all across the world, in many varied colours, cultures and beliefs to meet and simply 'Be'. And today in the midst of my chaos I sat, and I was... I was engaged, I was praised, I was awed and I was entertained - all within the space of maybe two hours of which time passed without being noticed. That's what joyous people do, pass the time without effort or tension.
What did you do you may ask?? (or not - but I'll tell anyway, create a new tab if can't stand the tone of the post), just went to coffee with friends, nothing AMAZING...and yet it was. It is every time it happens, I'm sure part of it is because it is so seldom, but it is also because I feel these women in a sister to sister way.
It struck me during my post event pondering, during my 20/20 hindsight moments, while wrestling with my children during the almost two hour ride home; that the small table of us was like a diorama of the evolutionary scale of the 30 something woman... or maybe all women.
We have me... bitter and twisted (well not really but I do have my moments of wishing he would die-Die-DIE!!) single mother of two after a 12 year relationship that elevated into Domestic Violence during the final death throes of the relationship.
We have J - gorgeous new Momma, just enjoying (and not) those first few weeks of being the goddess and sacred cow for one of Gods latest creations. Her relationship heaving under the pressure that only a little innocent can bring, but determined to pursue each day in love and understanding (conditional on the amount of sleep in the night preceding)
And we have Ms M - Beautiful 30 something, down home girl with the carriage of nobility and the swagger of a Heterosexual miseducated blackman with a Hip Hop addiction who's been bustin rhymes in jail for the last 15yrs; married for two years to a man she truly loves (really... even when she's MAD FRUSTRATED). Baby talk is now on the table given there's stability in the relationship and they both really want to start a family 'she's ready'....LOFL (no body's really ready, don't let the Huggies ads fool ya). Smooth sailing as soon as they can find a free night (morning, dressing room) and schedule it in.
I love the evolution! It really is something to behold, especially when ten years ago we were all in hot pants at Goodbar busting a rhyme and a move. Yay for growth...
So when you get a moment, if you too are sitting on a city platform playing go fish with the mini cards from a Christmas Bon Bon waiting for the signal failure to clear, just take a look around you, any moment of any day and consciously choose for the people in your life to be there, ask yourself - who is family to you? And what kinky exciting human beings are you connected too and yet you've never consciously given them their worth and felt the love that vibrates under your sarcastic comments about the weird guy that just took your order at the pizza bar and your mutual agreement that okra feels like snot on the inside.
PS...And if you're wondering when I got time to write this much exhilarating passage... I didn't do the washing up.
 |
| Ms C, Ms H, Ms J, Ms M, Ms N all drunk from fruit juice and crepes |
We come from all across the world, in many varied colours, cultures and beliefs to meet and simply 'Be'. And today in the midst of my chaos I sat, and I was... I was engaged, I was praised, I was awed and I was entertained - all within the space of maybe two hours of which time passed without being noticed. That's what joyous people do, pass the time without effort or tension.
What did you do you may ask?? (or not - but I'll tell anyway, create a new tab if can't stand the tone of the post), just went to coffee with friends, nothing AMAZING...and yet it was. It is every time it happens, I'm sure part of it is because it is so seldom, but it is also because I feel these women in a sister to sister way.
It struck me during my post event pondering, during my 20/20 hindsight moments, while wrestling with my children during the almost two hour ride home; that the small table of us was like a diorama of the evolutionary scale of the 30 something woman... or maybe all women.
We have me... bitter and twisted (well not really but I do have my moments of wishing he would die-Die-DIE!!) single mother of two after a 12 year relationship that elevated into Domestic Violence during the final death throes of the relationship.
We have J - gorgeous new Momma, just enjoying (and not) those first few weeks of being the goddess and sacred cow for one of Gods latest creations. Her relationship heaving under the pressure that only a little innocent can bring, but determined to pursue each day in love and understanding (conditional on the amount of sleep in the night preceding)
And we have Ms M - Beautiful 30 something, down home girl with the carriage of nobility and the swagger of a Heterosexual miseducated blackman with a Hip Hop addiction who's been bustin rhymes in jail for the last 15yrs; married for two years to a man she truly loves (really... even when she's MAD FRUSTRATED). Baby talk is now on the table given there's stability in the relationship and they both really want to start a family 'she's ready'....LOFL (no body's really ready, don't let the Huggies ads fool ya). Smooth sailing as soon as they can find a free night (morning, dressing room) and schedule it in.
I love the evolution! It really is something to behold, especially when ten years ago we were all in hot pants at Goodbar busting a rhyme and a move. Yay for growth...
So when you get a moment, if you too are sitting on a city platform playing go fish with the mini cards from a Christmas Bon Bon waiting for the signal failure to clear, just take a look around you, any moment of any day and consciously choose for the people in your life to be there, ask yourself - who is family to you? And what kinky exciting human beings are you connected too and yet you've never consciously given them their worth and felt the love that vibrates under your sarcastic comments about the weird guy that just took your order at the pizza bar and your mutual agreement that okra feels like snot on the inside.
PS...And if you're wondering when I got time to write this much exhilarating passage... I didn't do the washing up.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
It's Official - Happy 2012!!
Warning unusually sentimental!!
As I take up my usual New Years position, a glass of bubbly, a box of high quality Belgian chocolates and I toast in the New Year, this year though, unlike many others, I have no friends with me to share my bubbly and chocolate. Life in the past year has made changes for them too - as it should.
So instead of my one or two friends I'm taking the time to speak to the great world made of spirits and possibilities and I have yet to discover...
To my darling J, my sister girl who used to drop by my Bondi apartment after whatever gig she had that night (New Years is a good earner) and sit on my kitchen bench and speak tired philosophy with me. I know you're staring into the face of your new life... I'll see you with Erykah baby.
To Ra, who used to just pop over to my house with a moments notice, give me a kiss and squeeze me real tight... where are you babe?
To D, I know our time is done, but thanks for the champas it really is fulfilling its duty right now. I don't know why, but one day I will.
I make it a habit not to make resolutions as I believe that whatever you resolve to do, you should do any day of the year.
But, I do have hopes for the year just begun. So let us pray....
Thank you for letting me live this long, everyday is a blessing, even when it doesn't feel like it and so I feel the joy in my soul of what greater honour it was, for me to come here and have this experience.
Ease their pain; there is no reason on this earth why people should go hungry and Americans should have Walmart. Food isn't just for some people. it's for everybody, so help us to require of people that there be justice in their countries. Not one person should be starving if I can still buy a cheese burger. Tell us how to stop the starvation...
(fell asleep here) 3am was my bed time...
As I take up my usual New Years position, a glass of bubbly, a box of high quality Belgian chocolates and I toast in the New Year, this year though, unlike many others, I have no friends with me to share my bubbly and chocolate. Life in the past year has made changes for them too - as it should.
So instead of my one or two friends I'm taking the time to speak to the great world made of spirits and possibilities and I have yet to discover...
To my darling J, my sister girl who used to drop by my Bondi apartment after whatever gig she had that night (New Years is a good earner) and sit on my kitchen bench and speak tired philosophy with me. I know you're staring into the face of your new life... I'll see you with Erykah baby.
To Ra, who used to just pop over to my house with a moments notice, give me a kiss and squeeze me real tight... where are you babe?
To D, I know our time is done, but thanks for the champas it really is fulfilling its duty right now. I don't know why, but one day I will.
I make it a habit not to make resolutions as I believe that whatever you resolve to do, you should do any day of the year.
But, I do have hopes for the year just begun. So let us pray....
Thank you for letting me live this long, everyday is a blessing, even when it doesn't feel like it and so I feel the joy in my soul of what greater honour it was, for me to come here and have this experience.
Ease their pain; there is no reason on this earth why people should go hungry and Americans should have Walmart. Food isn't just for some people. it's for everybody, so help us to require of people that there be justice in their countries. Not one person should be starving if I can still buy a cheese burger. Tell us how to stop the starvation...
(fell asleep here) 3am was my bed time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)