Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Romance of Adolescent Bliss

It's so funny to watch young couples now.

They are so unaware of what a beautiful and simple space they are in.

Whether it's simply lust, simply infatuation, or a simple love accented by both the before, they are unaware of how beautiful and adventurous that moment in life is.

The moment when touching fingers causes a lightning strike of electricity to flash through your awakening body.  The moment you kiss in a shy but eager fashion, your tongues touching for the first time in an unsure but fire filled movement.  And once the rhythm is set you become satisfied or too frightened to go further so you kiss for hours!

The moment your dream girl sits on your lap and you're unable to contain your physical excitement; she feels it too but doesn't quite know how to take it from there.

Those moments filled with fear, pain, lust, love, heat and fire, uncertainty, desperation and delight.  If we only knew at the time just to sit in those moments and to embrace them with abandon (although I'm sure some of us included). That in a few short years our lives would be increasingly less simple, that money, children and 'knowing better' would destroy or at least taint our adolescent pursuit of pleasure and love.

Not that we don't need it anymore, we just won't give ourselves the permission to occasionally act with such reckless abandon.  Maybe 'cos our brains have taken the whole consequences thing and run with it.  (Party poopers).

I like to think that we have something to learn from these young lovers.  How much fun would it be to go out and pash your husband disrespectfully in a public place (ensuring that you get dirty looks from grandmas!) or hold hands and make stupid eyes at each other in the supermarket and make people think "why don't they just get a room".

Our love(s) should never stop being an adventure, and if it has... be a hero and change it!

Single?  Pashing some random in the nightclub mightn't be the classiest move, but gosh it is naughty and fun - makes you feel like your alive and nasty!

So don't forget to occasionally pay homage to the adolescent inside you, she/he is still there waiting for that fire to be lit, for that bit to be groped.... And just thank God...after all these years at least you know what to do with it now (I hope).

Friday, May 4, 2012

I'm Not that Evolved After All

Most days I feel pretty advanced and in touch with my inner self, I feel like I treat other people as I would treat myself and that honesty has found its home with me.  Egotistical??? Not at all, just honest with my strengths and weaknesses.  And most of all I feel like I'm a really good friend.  I don't claim to be a good friend to many, but those to whom I claim the title, I feel like I give them love and loyalty for real.

And then I prove myself wrong...

In a move unthinking in a place of selfishness and self satisfaction I unthinkingly abandon all my 'conscious action' and hold back information that could effect my 'friend' for the rest of their life.

I now continue on still sitting in a place of shock and disgust at my OWN behaviour.  And amazed at the way I just 'didn't' think.  Any excuse that my brain comes up with is just BS to me at one level, cos what I did is just not OK.  Not with the person I have hurt and even more so not with me.

Now here I am contending with a constant knot in my gut, with constant oscillating in my thought process "Oh my Gosh, how could I do that to someone"
"Well I can't be measured in entirety by my wrongs"
"Oh my Lord, how self obsessed are you?"
"Is this person ever going to forgive me?"
"Even if they do, how am I going to forgive myself?"

And then I have to deal with the fact that I have lost a good friend and I am entirely to blame...

As for forgiveness???

That is out of my control, I feel like I am worth forgiving, that I truly do....  What that looks like I do not know, but as in a movie that I can't remember...I'm trying to get back in the nook.

And I miss my friend everyday.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Power of Pissed Off

I had coffee with two of my friends at a local community cafe with excessive child friendly benefits simple fare and OK coffee.  One of my girls is a married teacher with two beautiful children and the other a happily separated freight forwarder with two children also.

With birthdays aplenty, naturally the conversation was flowing towards turning forty and the despair that seems to be so common in approaching such an age.  I shared my recent experience with a female family member whose fortieth I had recently attended and who had approach our cocktail table in her figure hugging black lace dress.  A dress that wouldn't look so good on a majority of women of any age, that alone on their fortieth birthday.

She sashayed toward our cocktail table where my Aunt, cousin and Uncle stood, where when she arrived her shoulders slumped forward, her head hung down and she raised her eyes while sipping her drink.  "I'm depressed"...
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes.  Awwwwww.  I think it's got more to do with I haven't achieved anything that I thought I would have by this age you know".

And that's what it comes down to doesn't it?  By having so many dreams visions and high expectations of ourself, we kind of set ourselves up for failure and disappointment if we haven't ticked all those boxes by age twenty, thirty or forty.  I think we always need to remind ourselves though, life is unpredictable, the boxes we are meant to tick, are written by ourselves.  So when you feel the looming anniversary of one of your decades of birth.... do your self a favour, grab that mental list look at it,  size it up and then imagine yourself an eraser, some white out and a lighter and take to it with a gusto that makes you feel alive.

Then write a new list that includes
  1. I shall say 'yes' and 'no' at my own discretion.
  2. If someone wants you to jump out of a plane....see #1
  3. If someone wants to marry you....see #1
  4. I shall create my 'own' life in a way that fulfils me spiritually, mentally and physically and honours my personal truth without reference to anyone else's opinion of 'who they thought I was'.
  5. And yes I shall wear this dress/skirt if I want to...I'm grown dammit!!
And then march forward with your head held high, as no ones life has been a walk in the park, there has been hardship and you are still standing, sitting or riding on a mobility scooter through your life.  You have earned every day, every moment and every sunrise and every muffin top.  

So every time that you feel pissed off at being whatever stage of life you are, use that, use it to change what you don't like about your life, source it as one of those brief moments of motivation and seize that power in your pissed off. (and if you don't their be another opportunity in twelve months time)

Monday, February 20, 2012

Honor in Identification

Just now a older lady (I mean only 50/60yrs) got on the bus. I watched her in passing noticing her neat but 'messed up' hair. It obviously had a relaxer some time ago, and not any time since as her nappy locks were peeking out from beneath her roughly shorn unstyle.

From the back I quickly identified her as some kind of African extraction, at which I felt instant kinship, or connection.

As she turned to walk to a seat her eyes locked on mine momentarily and she stretched out her hand, I stretched out mine and firmly shook it, as we both smiled then the lady walked to the rear of the bus and took a seat.

Two young caucasian men were sitting near by and one remarked "did you see that woman she just shook her hand....?"

I felt the pride swell in my chest, and sat back and observed how honored and special I feel to be part of the brotherhood and sisterhood. Their is a type of kinship that seems to envelope us all no matter on which continent we reside. Whether its a nod of the head, a private smile, a meeting of eyes, dap or a hand shake - there is the acknowledgement that I am connected to you my brother or sister.

I know there are a million other conversations that stem from this one comment, but for now I'm just going to leave it at this shared moment and how egotistically or not I'm SO happy that I am part of this tree and Black is part of my journey this time round.

Love x

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Oh Lord I'm Tired...

You know when you are so tired that all you want to do is take off your bra, fall into your bed and only wake up when your body is satisfied, but you have so much to do that you know you'll only regret it.

I am really tired.  Tired of walking.  Tired of doing it all by myself.  Tired of having no money.  Tired of public transport.  Tired of washing up... and the list continues.

Good lord, I've spent about four hours today either waiting for or on buses - what's the meaning in this...I'm still searching.

There are moments (as with everyones life) that I see really clearly,  I have these two beautiful girls who I am wholly responsible for, they have to come first with me.  Yet the drive to fulfil my own needs is still running strong in my spirit.

I am alone.  Not in spirit but in actuality.  And I start to wonder... what happened to all the friends that I had hanging out of my back pocket, no matter which outfit I decided to put on.  And then most of them just went away, as if they were nothing but a mirage.  I know all the answers here, but it is an interesting ponderance.

...I guess all will be revealed in due time - and in the meantime I will just TRUST.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Sisters From Another Mother

Family are a body of souls that we choose to gather around us, they are not as many choose to think, something that we were born into and cannot get away from.  A fact that is demonstrated millions of times each year when people simply walk away from their 'family's' world.

Ms C, Ms H, Ms J, Ms M, Ms N all drunk from fruit juice and crepes
The family that I choose to belong, is composed in part of many astounding, beyond beautiful and powerful women who, with all there bumbling through life, manage to sit in the centre of their good with the nobility and wisdom of a Queen.

We come from all across the world, in many varied colours, cultures and beliefs to meet and simply 'Be'.  And today in the midst of my chaos I sat, and I was...  I was engaged, I was praised, I was awed and I was entertained - all within the space of maybe two hours of which time passed without being noticed. That's what joyous people do, pass the time without effort or tension.

What did you do you may ask?? (or not - but I'll tell anyway, create a new tab if can't stand the tone of the post), just went to coffee with friends, nothing AMAZING...and yet it was.  It is every time it happens, I'm sure part of it is because it is so seldom, but it is also because I feel these women in a sister to sister way.

It struck me during my post event pondering, during my 20/20 hindsight moments, while wrestling with my children during the almost two hour ride home; that the small table of us was like a diorama of the evolutionary scale of the 30 something woman... or maybe all women.

We have me... bitter and twisted (well not really but I do have my moments of wishing he would die-Die-DIE!!) single mother of two after a 12 year relationship that elevated into Domestic Violence during the final death throes of the relationship.

We have J - gorgeous new Momma, just enjoying (and not) those first few weeks of being the goddess and sacred cow for one of Gods latest creations.  Her relationship heaving under the pressure that only a little innocent can bring, but determined to pursue each day in love and understanding (conditional on the amount of sleep in the night preceding)

And we have Ms M - Beautiful 30 something, down home girl with the carriage of nobility and the swagger of a Heterosexual miseducated blackman with a Hip Hop addiction who's been bustin rhymes in jail for the last 15yrs; married for two years to a man she truly loves (really... even when she's MAD FRUSTRATED).  Baby talk is now on the table given there's stability in the relationship and they both really want to start a family 'she's ready'....LOFL (no body's really ready, don't let the Huggies ads fool ya).  Smooth sailing as soon as they can find a free night (morning, dressing room) and schedule it in.

I love the evolution!  It really is something to behold, especially when ten years ago we were all in hot pants at Goodbar busting a rhyme and a move.  Yay for growth...

So when you get a moment, if you too are sitting on a city platform playing go fish with the mini cards from a Christmas Bon Bon waiting for the signal failure to clear, just take a look around you, any moment of any day and consciously choose for the people in your life to be there, ask yourself - who is family to you? And what kinky exciting human beings are you connected too and yet you've never consciously given them their worth and felt the love that vibrates under your sarcastic comments about the weird guy that just took your order at the pizza bar and your mutual agreement that okra feels like snot on the inside.

PS...And if you're wondering when I got time to write this much exhilarating passage... I didn't do the washing up.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

It's Official - Happy 2012!!

Warning unusually sentimental!!

As I take up my usual New Years position, a glass of bubbly, a box of high quality Belgian chocolates and I toast in the New Year, this year though, unlike many others, I have no friends with me to share my bubbly and chocolate.  Life in the past year has made changes for them too - as it should.

So instead of my one or two friends I'm taking the time to speak to the great world made of spirits and possibilities and I have yet to discover...

To my darling J, my sister girl who used to drop by my Bondi apartment after whatever gig she had that night (New Years is a good earner) and sit on my kitchen bench and speak tired philosophy with me.  I know you're staring into the face of your new life... I'll see you with Erykah baby.

To Ra, who used to just pop over to my house with a moments notice, give me a kiss and squeeze me real tight... where are you babe?

To D, I know our time is done, but thanks for the champas it really is fulfilling its duty right now.  I don't know why, but one day I will.

I make it a habit not to make resolutions as I believe that whatever you resolve to do, you should do any day of the year.

But, I do have hopes for the year just begun.  So let us pray....

Thank you for letting me live this long, everyday is a blessing, even when it doesn't feel like it and so I feel the joy in my soul of what greater honour it was, for me to come here and have this experience.

Ease their pain; there is no reason on this earth why people should go hungry and Americans should have Walmart.  Food isn't just for some people. it's for everybody, so help us to require of people that there be justice in their countries.  Not one person should be starving if I can still buy a cheese burger.  Tell us how to stop the starvation...

(fell asleep here) 3am was my bed time...