Friday, May 4, 2012
I'm Not that Evolved After All
And then I prove myself wrong...
In a move unthinking in a place of selfishness and self satisfaction I unthinkingly abandon all my 'conscious action' and hold back information that could effect my 'friend' for the rest of their life.
I now continue on still sitting in a place of shock and disgust at my OWN behaviour. And amazed at the way I just 'didn't' think. Any excuse that my brain comes up with is just BS to me at one level, cos what I did is just not OK. Not with the person I have hurt and even more so not with me.
Now here I am contending with a constant knot in my gut, with constant oscillating in my thought process "Oh my Gosh, how could I do that to someone"
"Well I can't be measured in entirety by my wrongs"
"Oh my Lord, how self obsessed are you?"
"Is this person ever going to forgive me?"
"Even if they do, how am I going to forgive myself?"
And then I have to deal with the fact that I have lost a good friend and I am entirely to blame...
As for forgiveness???
That is out of my control, I feel like I am worth forgiving, that I truly do.... What that looks like I do not know, but as in a movie that I can't remember...I'm trying to get back in the nook.
And I miss my friend everyday.