I'm Not that Evolved After All

Most days I feel pretty advanced and in touch with my inner self, I feel like I treat other people as I would treat myself and that honesty has found its home with me.  Egotistical??? Not at all, just honest with my strengths and weaknesses.  And most of all I feel like I'm a really good friend.  I don't claim to be a good friend to many, but those to whom I claim the title, I feel like I give them love and loyalty for real.

And then I prove myself wrong...

In a move unthinking in a place of selfishness and self satisfaction I unthinkingly abandon all my 'conscious action' and hold back information that could effect my 'friend' for the rest of their life.

I now continue on still sitting in a place of shock and disgust at my OWN behaviour.  And amazed at the way I just 'didn't' think.  Any excuse that my brain comes up with is just BS to me at one level, cos what I did is just not OK.  Not with the person I have hurt and even more so not with me.

Now here I am contending with a constant knot in my gut, with constant oscillating in my thought process "Oh my Gosh, how could I do that to someone"
"Well I can't be measured in entirety by my wrongs"
"Oh my Lord, how self obsessed are you?"
"Is this person ever going to forgive me?"
"Even if they do, how am I going to forgive myself?"

And then I have to deal with the fact that I have lost a good friend and I am entirely to blame...

As for forgiveness???

That is out of my control, I feel like I am worth forgiving, that I truly do....  What that looks like I do not know, but as in a movie that I can't remember...I'm trying to get back in the nook.

And I miss my friend everyday.