Everything Good In Its Time

As I welcome the hallmark of another year passing I can confess that yes I too fall victim to the self judgement, departmentalisation, and incessant expectations of the new year. Incessant self judgement as I take mental note of the expectations of yesteryear that have STILL not had their boxes ticked.

This is where I stop for a minute and give my self a swift mental slap (only because really doing it would hurt... And look weird) and tell myself to wake up to myself....( are u getting this).

Life in itself is really hard, there are constant challenges, discomforts, dreams and nightmares that fill our days without our conscious efforts to put them there. My life in reality will happen whether I try or not, whether I set huge expectations out there to be met or missed or not. I'm not saying that having dreams or goals is not a mildly worthwhile activity... But I guess what I am saying is to ease up on yourself. Be kind to yourself. If you want to be smaller, or quit smoking, or finish that degree, I'm sure you will get there, but any amount of self loathing, judgement or self degradation is surely not going to help you on your way... In fact it probably went a long way to creating the challenge you're facing in the first place.

On the passing of this New Year's Eve 2013, I didn't get all caught up in the usual fanfare of the event (although that can be SO fun too), I did just take a moment to be still and see the good things around me. My best friends eyes were glowing as he lit the kids sparklers and they squealed in mixed delight and fear as they held the burning excitement in their hands. I watched our kids derive an extreme of joy from every moment, bolting out the front and up the hill as soon as they heard the pop from any firework, afraid they would miss a spark and dancing in the darkened garage adorned from head to toe in glow sticks and bracelets.

I starred up into the starry sky from my friends hammock, champagne and strawberries in hand, cheesecake, eaton mess and bannoffee pie in the bowl in my lap with the laughter of my friends and our children melding into my perfect moment and I just let myself be.

So that is my prayer and blessing for you this New Year and everyday that follows it...
May you have the courage and the joy of just being,
may you experience the peace and the acceptance that flows from that. May your journey be as it should,
and more importantly may your eyes light up when are in the presence of those you love,
and them you.

My dreams needs and wants seem endless as I'm sure yours do too, but I never loose sight of the fact that all the physical and worldly accomplishments in this universe mean nothing if I'm not ok. So I take care of me first... And in taking care of me I'm taking care of those around me. Kind of like lighting sparklers, I can't light anyone else's if I don't light my own first (well unless I have a lighter?..... Well u know what I mean!) So this year I'm not resolving I'm just doing. Doing what is in this moment, because its all I can do, and all I'm meant to be doing. I have pretty clear ideas about the things I'd like to do in my life... But the things that are topping my list and I think have been for a long time now is creating beautiful things that inspire, spending quality time with my fellow man, investing in my friends and worthy family, laughing till it hurts and loving without a safety net.

Focussing on what is topping my priority list and what brings me joy brings balance to my life and everything comes into sharper focus. The bad things fade as just learning moment that helped define me. So try it! Don't resolve just do it now, have the thought about what tops your priority list so when your judgementalist comes in to check off that list for 2013, you tell her/him to take a back seat as the front one's already taken.

Love x

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:My bedroom.

The Romance of Adolescent Bliss

It's so funny to watch young couples now.

They are so unaware of what a beautiful and simple space they are in.

Whether it's simply lust, simply infatuation, or a simple love accented by both the before, they are unaware of how beautiful and adventurous that moment in life is.

The moment when touching fingers causes a lightning strike of electricity to flash through your awakening body.  The moment you kiss in a shy but eager fashion, your tongues touching for the first time in an unsure but fire filled movement.  And once the rhythm is set you become satisfied or too frightened to go further so you kiss for hours!

The moment your dream girl sits on your lap and you're unable to contain your physical excitement; she feels it too but doesn't quite know how to take it from there.

Those moments filled with fear, pain, lust, love, heat and fire, uncertainty, desperation and delight.  If we only knew at the time just to sit in those moments and to embrace them with abandon (although I'm sure some of us did...me included). That in a few short years our lives would be increasingly less simple, that money, children and 'knowing better' would destroy or at least taint our adolescent pursuit of pleasure and love.

Not that we don't need it anymore, we just won't give ourselves the permission to occasionally act with such reckless abandon.  Maybe 'cos our brains have taken the whole consequences thing and run with it.  (Party poopers).

I like to think that we have something to learn from these young lovers.  How much fun would it be to go out and pash your husband disrespectfully in a public place (ensuring that you get dirty looks from grandmas!) or hold hands and make stupid eyes at each other in the supermarket and make people think "why don't they just get a room".

Our love(s) should never stop being an adventure, and if it has... be a hero and change it!

Single?  Pashing some random in the nightclub mightn't be the classiest move, but gosh it is naughty and fun - makes you feel like your alive and nasty!

So don't forget to occasionally pay homage to the adolescent inside you, she/he is still there waiting for that fire to be lit, for that bit to be groped.... And just thank God...after all these years at least you know what to do with it now (I hope).

Oh Lord I'm Tired...

You know when you are so tired that all you want to do is take off your bra, fall into your bed and only wake up when your body is satisfied, but you have so much to do that you know you'll only regret it.

I am really tired.  Tired of walking.  Tired of doing it all by myself.  Tired of having no money.  Tired of public transport.  Tired of washing up... and the list continues.

Good lord, I've spent about four hours today either waiting for or on buses - what's the meaning in this...I'm still searching.

There are moments (as with everyones life) that I see really clearly,  I have these two beautiful girls who I am wholly responsible for, they have to come first with me.  Yet the drive to fulfil my own needs is still running strong in my spirit.

I am alone.  Not in spirit but in actuality.  And I start to wonder... what happened to all the friends that I had hanging out of my back pocket, no matter which outfit I decided to put on.  And then most of them just went away, as if they were nothing but a mirage.  I know all the answers here, but it is an interesting ponderance.

...I guess all will be revealed in due time - and in the meantime I will just TRUST.

Sisters From Another Mother

Family are a body of souls that we choose to gather around us, they are not as many choose to think, something that we were born into and cannot get away from.  A fact that is demonstrated millions of times each year when people simply walk away from their 'family's' world.

Ms C, Ms H, Ms J, Ms M, Ms N all drunk from fruit juice and crepes

The family that I choose to belong, is composed in part of many astounding, beyond beautiful and powerful women who, with all there bumbling through life, manage to sit in the centre of their good with the nobility and wisdom of a Queen.

We come from all across the world, in many varied colours, cultures and beliefs to meet and simply 'Be'.  And today in the midst of my chaos I sat, and I was...  I was engaged, I was praised, I was awed and I was entertained - all within the space of maybe two hours of which time passed without being noticed. That's what joyous people do, pass the time without effort or tension.

What did you do you may ask?? (or not - but I'll tell anyway, create a new tab if can't stand the tone of the post), just went to coffee with friends, nothing AMAZING...and yet it was.  It is every time it happens, I'm sure part of it is because it is so seldom, but it is also because I feel these women in a sister to sister way.

It struck me during my post event pondering, during my 20/20 hindsight moments, while wrestling with my children during the almost two hour ride home; that the small table of us was like a diorama of the evolutionary scale of the 30 something woman... or maybe all women.

We have me... bitter and twisted (well not really but I do have my moments of wishing he would die-Die-DIE!!) single mother of two after a 12 year relationship that elevated into Domestic Violence during the final death throes of the relationship.

We have J - gorgeous new Momma, just enjoying (and not) those first few weeks of being the goddess and sacred cow for one of Gods latest creations.  Her relationship heaving under the pressure that only a little innocent can bring, but determined to pursue each day in love and understanding (conditional on the amount of sleep in the night preceding)

And we have Ms M - Beautiful 30 something, down home girl with the carriage of nobility and the swagger of a Heterosexual miseducated blackman with a Hip Hop addiction who's been bustin rhymes in jail for the last 15yrs; married for two years to a man she truly loves (really... even when she's MAD FRUSTRATED).  Baby talk is now on the table given there's stability in the relationship and they both really want to start a family 'she's ready'....LOFL (no body's really ready, don't let the Huggies ads fool ya).  Smooth sailing as soon as they can find a free night (morning, dressing room) and schedule it in.

I love the evolution!  It really is something to behold, especially when ten years ago we were all in hot pants at Goodbar busting a rhyme and a move.  Yay for growth...

So when you get a moment, if you too are sitting on a city platform playing go fish with the mini cards from a Christmas Bon Bon waiting for the signal failure to clear, just take a look around you, any moment of any day and consciously choose for the people in your life to be there, ask yourself - who is family to you? And what kinky exciting human beings are you connected too and yet you've never consciously given them their worth and felt the love that vibrates under your sarcastic comments about the weird guy that just took your order at the pizza bar and your mutual agreement that okra feels like snot on the inside.


PS...And if you're wondering when I got time to write this much exhilarating passage... I didn't do the washing up.

Playgroup...Hello!

I had the most pleasant experience this morning and I thought I would share the love.  Firstly update...(seem it's been like 100yrs since I posted last).  This is the abridged version.

• Relationship turns verbally and physically violent
• Counselling which works, just not the way I thought it would.
• I leave with child and 3 mths pregnant
• Go O'seas
• Come Back, have baby
• Living with Mother
• More Counselling

Present day:
Single Mother of two, living with mother, going to counselling and parenting her booty off!! (Oh and still studying for degree).

THATS IT.

Anyway back to the pleasant experience.  I've been here for almost two years and have been looking at this child friendly cafe from the outside looking in for a long time now, so I heard there was playgroups there and kept meaning to drop in.  So today I went to the playgroup (with child of course).

It was lovely, good coffee, lovely people, safe and secure setup with a lovely little free morning tea of fruit and cake for the kids.  I was really chuffed.  So here's the love.

The Playgroup is run by Uniting Care Burnside.
Location: Yummy Cafe, 80 Woodhouse Drive (Cnr of Woodhouse and Copperfield) Ambarvale
Time: Friday Mornings, 10am-12pm

They also have a speech therapist in attendence every second week and for more info contact Margaret at North Campbelltown Family Centre on 87963222

They have other locations and days so call for more info.  My 18mth old had a ball!!

Relationship's in the Toilet - now what?

I am still reeling from a series of approximately five days of verbal abuse from my now insignificant other. Whoever said that children bring you closer together, never had children. I jest. A more profound thought came from a child psychologist who was speaking on a TV panel I was on one day,
"If there are any cracks in a relationship, children will discover them, and break them wide open".
Oh well, apparently our relationship was painted in a crackling medium and has now turned to dust.

I'm so emotionally bankrupt at the moment I really don't have the energy to delve further, but I just wanted to write it down. And let you other people who have gone down hill after junior arrived... I'm here with you.

I am now a monumental 2 weeks and 2 days late on my assignment (oh yeah did I mention, I'm doing a degree via correspondence), and God if you let me pass this one... I'll be greatful...REALLY GRATEFUL.

I could rave on all night here, even with my eyes closed but I really should put head to pillow, and attempt to read another Eckhart Tolle chapter (yeah good luck with that child!).